Since I am still going through various marriage myths, this is certainly one more in a way. It is the myth that marriage is a contract. The view that marriage is a contract tries to show marriage is a civil matter that is decided by the government. There is an obvious flaw here in that if the government defines what marriage is then government may redefine what marriage is. As we can see today, this is a fight that is happening.

Many well-meaning Christians would say that marriage is a contract. It is an agreement between two people, somewhat like a business merger. Be careful in this thinking, there are some things that must be kept in mind when it comes to contracts. The author of God, Marriage and Family gives these very important points when it comes to contracts:

• Contracts are typically for a limited period of time
• They most often deal with specific actions
• They are conditional upon the continued performance of contractual obligations by the other partner
• They are entered into for one’s own benefit
• They are sometimes unspoken and implicit

In showing that this contractual definition of marriage is faulty, Andreas Kostenberger says this, “In essence, the contractual model of marriage bases the security and stability of marriage on the ability of the people not to sin. If one spouse commits a grievous enough sin to break the contract, the other partner is free to dissolve the union. In light of humanity’s (including Christian’s) universal sinfulness, this renders marriage a highly precarious and unstable institution.”

With this contractual definition being the major view of marriage in our society, we can see the effects in the divorce rate. But if this isn’t the right way to look at the marriage agreement then what is? It is that of a covenant.

This design as defined in the book I am reading is this: A sacred bond between a man and a woman instituted by and publicly entered into before God (whether or not this is acknowledged by the married couple), normally consummated by sexual intercourse. It is much more than a biblical contract but is a sacred bond. It takes marriage and places it in the church as defined by God and not the government. Moreover, it has many implications that come with it which need to be understood by the couple:

1. Marriage is intended to be permanent since it was established by God
2. It is not merely a human agreement between two consenting individuals (a “civil union”) it is a relationship before and under God
3. It is the most intimate of all human relationships, uniting a man and woman in a “one flesh bond”. This involves leaving one’s former family and cleaving to one’s spouse.
4. It is a relationship of free self-giving of one human being to another
5. It is an exclusive relationship. This means that no other human relationship must interfere with the marriage commitment between husband and wife

This is really just a brief summary of each of those points. Perhaps in the future I will elaborate on them.

The one last thing to know and remember in the fact that marriage as a covenant is that whereas a contract is based upon the performance of the other; a covenant is much deeper. The Hebrew word used for covenant is “an agreement that a faithful person would not break even if the partner to whom that person is in covenant breaks the stipulations of the covenant”. In other words, the husband or wife is to keep the covenant even if the spouse does not. That idea is very counter-cultural to today’s thinking on marriage.

One of the best ways to picture Christ and the church to the world is to have a strong marriage. If we as Christians, display this type of covenant marriage; we give a clearer picture of how Christ loves the church. Let us remember and keep the covenant of our marriage.

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. Such it is with marriage. The spouses need to build together. It is important for the individual to grow and mature but marriage isn’t about the one spouse. It is about both of you.

Often, the motivation behind becoming the perfect spouse lies in trying to impress and be the best in your circle of friends. Then, in trying to win approval of friends or whoever, we lose the object of what the marriage is about: loving the other person. As I stated before, there is an element to individual growth but overall the focus should be on the spouse.

One should not simply work out their problems alone but with each other. It is growth for both. One must not obsess on becoming a great spouse. Focus on loving your spouse in how they need to be loved.

Many people look around them at other people’s marriages and say to themselves that their marriage would be better if they did what they did. Another way this happens is they think that they need to love their spouse the way their mom or dad loved their spouse. These things just simply are not true. Marriages must be built uniquely because they are unique.

Even the Bible takes this approach with life. The Bible is not a set of rules for every situation. It gives us guidelines on how things are to be done but does not give specifics on how it is to be done in most cases. The Bible simply tells husband to love their wives as Christ loved the church and the wives to respect their husband.

Strong marriages will be built when we seek to learn our spouses and what they need as individuals. We are to love them as they need to be loved. That looks differently in every marriage. A husband should not love his wife the way his dad loved his mother because his wife is not his mother! Every husband and every wife is a different person. Certainly, there are many guidelines we can take and learn from others, but we must be focused on our spouse and how they need to be loved.

Marriage is not like getting to heaven. To get to heaven there is only one way, by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Marriages however are built differently so do not focus on others, focus on your spouse.

Often men who seek for this quiet wife are the kind of men who are saying that they are incapable of handling the strengths of their wife. Another problem is that he fails to recognize the strength his wife has developed in keeping up with him.

The husband is the leader in the home and sets the pace. When he decides to go somewhere in life, his wife must adapt. A wife becomes a capable woman by learning to keep up with her husband.

A husband may think that all he wants and needs is a quiet, docile wife who stands in the background. Good marriages recognize the person hood of each spouse. The Bible tells us that “two become one”, it is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Marriage does not require that a woman lose her intuition and opinion nor do they require that a man lose his masculine strengths.  The husband should be as loves as much as he leads.

Great marriages can include good debate and even arguments. Discussion in a marriage can be healthy when it is not angry and judgmental and both spouses have a fair say in their opinions. Eve was taken out of the side of man, not at the head to be over him nor from the feet to be trampled on but from the side to be his partner. A wise husband will ask and listen to the input of his wife.

God has put husbands and wives together that they may complement one another. God has you with your spouse because that is the spouse that you need. The type of wife a husband has is because that is who God knew you needed.

This week, the myth is this: A strong marriage requires a strong leader for a husband.

Men are, as the Bible says, to be the leaders in the home. Unfortunately, many men do not understand leadership. In all truthfulness, most men fall into one of two categories; either they are dictators who bully their wives or they are wimps who do not take role of leader as they should. To be blunt, men who take either one of these positions are not men but boys. One pastor I recently heard in preaching about this said it was difficult to be a godly lady these days because there were very few men but many, many boys.

The truth is this: A strong marriage requires the man to be a strong servant-leader as Christ is.

In order to understand this, one must look into the Bible at John 13. In this passage, Jesus washes His disciples feet. No one had a doubt in their mind as to Who the leader of their group was, yet Christ took the lowest form of a servant to wash the feet of His disciples. A servant-leader leads by love, not by force. This is how Christ leads us and this is how men should lead their homes.

To lead as a husband should, he directs the family spiritually and in other areas as well. Yet in his direction and leadership, he serves his wife and children. He loves them and protects them. In order to be the leader he needs to be, he studies Christ because that is His example.

The first myth of marriage is that it takes great people to make a great marriage. Another way to put it is that only perfect people can have perfect marriages. Some people with this myth begin to think that if they had married someone else their marriage would be better. This myth places the blame mostly on the other spouse saying that if they had married a better person then they would have a better marriage.

The truth is however, that there are not great or perfect people. Something magical does not happen at the altar when a man and woman say their vows and kiss to make them into perfect people to have a perfect marriage. If we are saved, we are not under sin’s authority but we still sin by choice and often it is against our spouse and the result is our marriage being hurt.

Great marriages do not come from great people. Great marriages come from following God’s word. Some people may say that their marriage is not that good because their spouse is emotionally unstable or they may say that their spouse is not that intellectually capable on different levels, but God’s word and His instructions on how we are to live our lives supersede any emotional or intellectual shortcomings.

Psalm 19:7-8 says, “The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.”

It is the principles we find within the Word of God that transform us into the image of Christ. As we become more like Christ, our marriages improve because we will treat our spouse as Christ would. The key to this is not you trying to transform your spouse but rather you allowing God to transform you. Do not build your marriage on thinking you need to be great people, build your marriage on the foundation of Jesus Christ and His Word.

The change can be good or bad; sooner or later. The fact is that people change. One lady I worked with cited that that because people change that means it’s all right to get a divorce. Though the person changes, the vows do not.

Now let’s cover the good or bad change: Perhaps when you married your spouse, things were great. Now though, over time, it has been discovered that maybe they weren’t the Christian you thought them to be. Perhaps you have gotten saved and your spouse is not. There is also the change that one spouse wants to get more involved in the ministry and the other does not. This can be good or bad depending on how you look at it. The biggest thing really goes back to communication and talking these issues out and maybe getting a wiser couple involved. As I stated, this s difficult to go through because this is more of the nitty gritty, case by case issues that are dealt with.

Now for the bad change: addiction. Sadly it happens. People become addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. What do you do? Remember, the vows never changed. Love the person and try to help them. Yes, it is hard but look at Christ and all He suffered and went through for you. This is where Christ-like love can be shown. Pray for them and get help starting at the church.

Also there is the time change, and I do not mean in the time change in the spring and fall. Over time, people may change. It might happen right away and the person you thought you married was not the person you really married. Again, the vows did not change. Love them as Christ loved you. It may take time and for whatever reason they change. Again, the vows did not change. Christ’s love for you does not change.

Really, this can all be boiled down to one phrase: love your spouse as Christ loved you. That is the ultimate divorce prevention. Play your roles as Christ and the church even if they do not. Have mercy, forgive and love as Christ does – all these are key to a successful marriage.

The word that is often cited in many websites that is a cause for divorce is a lack of commitment to the marriage or in the marriage. It often manifests itself in infidelity in some cases; while in others, one person or the other is not entirely committed to the other person so when problems arise the need to fix them is not present.

I do not think commitment is a great word for marriage. It is an all right word but not a great word. It is certainly not a Biblical word. You see, I have a commitment to my job. I show up, I do my job well, I get paid, and I do not get fired. It is almost a quid pro quo type agreement: I will do this if you will do this. Sadly, that is what many people think marriage is.

Marriage is a covenant. It is very important that we not only understand but use this word in describing our marriages. Covenant is deeper than commitment. Covenant gives the implications that marriage is till death do we part. No matter how bad it gets, we stay together. In Old Testament times, sometimes when men would make a covenant they would put together salt or sand that each would carry on themselves. In order to end their covenant, they would have to separate each others salt or sand particles to get their own.

Malachi 2:14 refers to marriage as a covenant. Entering into covenant is saying that all I have is yours and all you have is mine. We are now one. The Bible even shows this when it said that a man should leave his father and mother and should cleave unto his wife and the two shall be one flesh.Times will get tough, problems will arise. things will go wrong and there will be fights; but what matters is that we fix these things and tough it out and grow closer to one another because we are in this together.

I say this over and over but it is so important to remember: as husbands and wives we are pictures of Christ and the church. Christ is in a covenant with the church. When the church goes wrong, Christ does not give up and get a divorce. God is a God about covenants. He has always been in covenants with His people. It is no wonder then that when the children of Israel forsook Him and went unto others gods, He viewed it like they were committing adultery. If you do not believe this, read the book of Hosea. It pictures what Israel did to God and how God still loved them.

Do not simply look at marriage as a commitment to the other person. That is good but let us be Biblical and see that we are in covenant with our spouse.

This one is perhaps the most common and mentioned cause of divorce. It is a lack of communication. This actually results in many of what are listed as reasons for divorce but many of these can be lumped into this lack of communication. Some may cite infidelity, whether financially, emotionally, or physically but the fact was that it was a lack of communication.

As couples, we must learn to communicate. We must keep the lines of communication open between husband and wife. Another word that goes well with this one is transparency. Before I was married, Pastor Gardner spoke one day on the importance of transparency in marriage and I have never forgotten this. There should be no secrets between husband and wife save a gift or surprise for them. No secret bank accounts, no secret friends, no secret lunch meetings with people of the opposite sex. Transparency is key in communication.

When communication breaks down, the relationship begins to break down. Sadly, in our culture where we have redefined love into something it is not, when we become disconnected, it then creates an environment where we believe we do not love that person anymore because of that disconnection from not talking about things.

We need to know how to speak with our spouses. One illustration I have learned is how marrying our spouse is much like receiving our high school diploma and now since we are married we need to further the education about our spouse into an associate’s degree, bachelor’s degree, masters degree etc. We must learn our spouse. We need to move beyond what their favorite foods, colors, etc into what really makes my spouse happy. What does my spouse need me to do in order that I may serve them better.

Communication is not always easy. Men and women are wired differently and we need to keep that in mind when dealing with our spouse. However, men, we must open up to our wives and speak to them. As husbands, we also need to learn to listen to translate what they are saying. We need to be attentive and listen. We need to be open and honest in our discussions about money and things. Your wife needs to know how you feel about her. You need to reassure her of your love. Communicate with your wife, discuss things with your wife.

Wives, learn to talk to your husband. This can not be in a nagging, negative or maternal way. That will only close down communication. Talk to him as a friend. Be clear with him. One last thing, do not make everything about you. Talk to him about him and what is going on with him.

The more I have read and looked at the causes of divorce, the more I have realized that more symptoms are listed than actual causes of divorce. In this set of posts, I do not wish to simply deal with symptoms but the causes of divorce. Divorce is a awful thing to have to experience and sadly, is much too common.

Before I go any farther, let me give a side note for anyone who has been divorced. As a church, we do not hate you, we do not hold things against you and we do not think less of you because you have done this. People make mistakes, we do not beat people over the head with them. We love them. However, also as a church, we must speak the truth of what God says about divorce. We do not direct this at you to hurt but rather to help avoid it at all costs.

Malachi 2:16 says “For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away…” Putting away is a Bible term for divorce. God hates it. Jesus even told us that the only reason God allowed divorce in Israel was because of the hardness of their hearts. (Matthew 19:8) And if you can recall, when we get a divorce we now wreck the picture we are to be of Christ and the church.

God does not like it. For that reason, we should as Christian couples guard our marriages against divorce. It does not happen in a day. I believe that it is the little things that strengthen or destroy a marriage. Either we will do little things that help to strengthen our marriage or we will do little things that over time wear away our marriage.